The Art Of The Asshole

Ahh yes…The Man, The Myth, The Asshole.

You know him. Heck, you probably dated him(longer than you should have)…I know I have…and today, I’m actually going to thank all of The Assholes that I have dated over the years…if not for them…I would not be where I am today(happily married to a Non-Asshole). I’m actually serious. They taught me lessons about what I did NOT want. But you MUST recognize “The Asshole”, learn the lesson and GET OUT…here are some of The Assholes I have dated:

The Cheating Asshole(TCA): This is probably the most well-known type of asshole. If you’re over the age of 25, I’m sure you’ve met him…heck, if you’re over the age of 18 you’ve probably met him. My first encounter with TCA was 16(!). He was the quarterback of our high school football team and I was a sophomore cheerleader…aww…cute right?…ha! I was naive. He was my first boyfriend. I was 16. We never had sex. I wasn’t going to with him…I was waiting for marriage(ha again!) So he went off and had sex with his ex-girlfriend at another school. Ouch! My first taste of heartbreak….and my first encounter with The Cheating Asshole. I would meet a couple more TCA’s in my life…don’t have time to mention them all..but I’m sure they’ll all come up on this blog at one point. Lesson learned: Once a cheater, always a cheater.

The Selfish Asshole(TSA): Ahhh…yes TSA…no, not the Transportation Security Administration….we are talking about The Selfish Asshole. You know, the one you fall for…even though you know you probably shouldn’t. His work comes first, his friends come second, you fall somewhere down the line. He makes you split dinner bills(every time), he expects you to always come over to his place, expects you to drive,  to change your plans. He expects you to be there when he needs you but he’s not there when you need him. You don’t know why you put up with his crap but you are lonely and enjoy his company. I can honestly say that it only took me going out with ONE TSA for me to recognize and never date him long term again. He’s someone that you learn your lesson from and then move on(for good). Lesson learned: If he takes too many selfies…he loves himself more than you.

The Non-Commited Asshole(TNCA): TNCA is tricky. You don’t know him enough at first to recognize what you are getting yourself into…and then bam. You’re in a relationship with a guy that’s not ready for a relationship! What?! Yeah…been there done that…a couple of times. He’s usually a pretty nice guy. He gets along well with most people. He goes with the flow. And he doesn’t like plans. Plans for the weekend. Plans for the future. Plans for the holidays. Plans with you. He will ask you out on dates. He will hang out with you at your place. He will meet you at a bar. He will even sleep with you. But he will NOT call you his girlfriend. Nope. Not. Won’t. Don’t ask him to…because it’s not happening. And we are not talking after a couple of weeks, or even months…we are talking about a guy that won’t commit for almost a year! Gasp! Now, you may ask me (or yourself, if you’ve been there)…hello?! Why would you stay with someone that long without a commitment??? Well, first of all…he was a good guy…and you know how hard it is to find a good guy this day and age…right? I always felt like we were on the edge of being a couple. Like month after month, I thought…this is it…I’ll be hearing him introduce me as his “girlfriend” any day now…and nada. I get the “friend” introduction…and after a are DONE. So I was done. Sure it took me 11 months….yep…but I made the decision…because he couldn’t! Lesson learned: If you celebrate two holidays together without being a “couple”…GET OUT!

The Lying Asshole(TLA): Let’s be real….you know this P**** of Sh**. I mean…how are soooo many of them good at lying??? Or…not good…since we figured them out. So…this guy…TLA…just basically lies about EVERYTHING. TLA can probably be buddied up to TCA…same, same. But the TLA…takes it a bit further. He lies about his past, his future, what he had for lunch…I mean, this guy can’t stop! But in all seriousness…obviously, it’s a HUGE problem. I didn’t figure it out for a while…because…oh……well, I didn’t know I was dealing with a professional LIAR! Wow! If you are near anyone like this…just run… far, far away…and don’t look back! Lesson learned: Liar, liar pants on fire…let him burn because there is no amount of water to save him from this disease!

O.k….those are just a few of my “Assholes”. Do you have any to add?? Please comment below. Or if you have dated one of the above mentioned “Assholes”…please leave your story. We need to know that we are NOT alone!

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